Lions and Tigers and Yaoi, Oh My!
by Shawanem
Summary: One fic to rule them all, twenty years to write it, one character to rape them all, and no use to fight it. Warnings: Yaoi, misuse of the word "truly", and devoid of plot. Guarenteed to make you violently horny, or your money back.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We do not now, nor have we ever owned Naruto legally. We also do not own a spell checker, as you shall soon see. A plotline costs extra.

Sasuke and Naruto awoke the next morning. Sasuke stared groggily into those cerulean eyes that he ad lusted after for so many long, drudging, lengthy, prolonged, _wasted_ years, to ask himself if the events that occurred last night had truly occurred.

"Naruto." He said to his darling.

Naruto sat up and returned the glance. "What's going on? Why am I naked? Why are you naked? What's with the tattoo? What happened? ...Do you have any ramen?"

Sasuke fell into shock. "How could you not remember that wonderful, invigorating, kinkfying, dripping sexy boy love we made last night?"

"Wait a second…what?!"

"Love! We made love Naruto? Have you truly forgotten it so soon?" Sasuke could fell his eyes filling with warm, wet, salty, truly emotional tears. "Shall I remind you, Naruto darling?"

"Uh…okay…so long as you stop calling me 'darling'…"

-Three hours later-

Unbeknownst to the lovers, Gaara stood at the other side of the room. "I didn't know you two were into that sort of stuff."

Sasuke and Naruto blushed, having been caught mid-nasty.

Sasuke finished up and said, "Truly, we're not really into this sort of stuff."

"Then why were the two of you making kinky, hot, explicitly detailed, explosive, and drudgingly slow love?"

"I don't know. Why are you using so many useless, unneeded, repetitive, and redundant adjectives?"

Gaara blushed, having been caught in mid-adjective.

As an attempt to change the subject, Gaara said, "I had no idea you two knew so many different positions. I mean, with most guys, its just doggie style! Sometimes missionary. But I mean, you tow tried it in 69, Cowgirl, London Bridge, Twister, Lollipop, Mongoose Fighting a Cobra, Bingo style, The Toll Booth, The Doorknob, Ninkin style, Alex Trebek style, Chipmunk with a Speech Impediment style, and you even tried it Horny Grandma with Too Much to Drink and a Rubber Band style! Which didn't work out, but it was truly a noble try. I'm impressed. As well as slightly confused. And really horny, now that you mention it."

"We didn't mention it."

Naruto scratched his head (the one on top of his shoulders) and said, "I didn't know they had names."

Kakashi appeared from under the blankets. "You'll want to remember those names. You'll be tested on them later." He moved back under the blankets.

"Aw man! Are you serious!" Naruto complained. "I hate tests."

"Don't worry, it's likely to be an oral exam."

Akamaru walked by. "You just like saying 'oral', don't you?"

"Why, yes. Yes I do." Sasuke paused, and slowly smiled. "Oral."

Gaara had an idea, striking a rather Rock Lee-like pose. "Let's have a threesome." He declared.

"How would that work?" Naruto asked.

"I don't know." Gaara said. "I was hoping you could tell me. Any ideas Sasuke?"

"Plenty."

-Three hours later-

"Wow, my ass hurts." Naruto said, rubbing said ass. "I'm tired of being the girl."

A rather sweaty Gaara and Sasuke sat in the corner playing strip poker. Which was slightly unnecessary, considering they were both already naked.

"Oh, Naruto, my love. You are truly the Shuichi to my Yuki."

"What does that mean? Have you been stealing Sakura's manga again?"

"Maybe."

At that very moment Sakura appeared, for no explainable reason. "Sasuke?!" She screamed in her piercing, loud, shill, annoying, eardrum shattering, Sakura-like voice, "What's going on?"

"Truly, if I knew, I might tell you."

"You guys are having a threesome? I swear to god, who writes this shit?! Masashi Kishimoto would roll over in his grave!"

"He's not dead." Sesshomaru said.

"Well if he were, we would be rolling like a stupid dog in a pile of shit! And Sasuke, I can't believe you, you little whore! First Naruto, then Kakashi, then Itachi, then Choji, then Naruto again, then Sesshomaru –nice to see you again, by the way, Sesshy-chan."

"As well as you, Sakura-chan."

Sakura cleared her throat. "And then you did Shikamaru, then Rock Lee, then Hiei, then Naruto again, then Kurama, then both Hiei and Kurama, then Ed, then Al, then Ed _and _Al, then Luffy, then Naruto a couple more times, then Yugi, then InuYasha, then Sesshomaru _and _InuYasha, then Tuxedo Mask, then Vegeta, then Goku, then Trunks, then Naruto again, then Light, then L, then Aang, then Harry Potter, then Draco Malfoy, then Harry Potter _and _Draco Malfoy, then Orlando Bloom, then Johnny Depp, then Angelina Jolie, then Naruto again and to top it all off, you've never even kissed me!"

"You're a girl. That's gross."

"Oh yeah? Well Sasuke, your penis is downright diminutive!"

"I'm not complainin'." Naruto said.

Sakura turned to storm out, and then turned back. "Oh and Gaara? Do you want my number?"

"No thank you. But, uh, get a sex change and we'll talk."

Sakura stormed out of the room, for real this time.

"Hey guys, who knew we were in a room?"

"I had just assumed," said Zuko, "that we were in a forest. Did you really do all those people."

"No, Angelina Jolie is gross."

**End Chapter 1**


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke had been saying the word "oral" for the last three hours. It was almost unbearably annoying but it effectively cleared all (straight) strangers out the men's bath.

"Oral." Sasuke said, still grinning. "Oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral oral," Sasuke took a big breath. "Oraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloralroalroalroaloralaloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloral…!" Sasuke began to turn a rather violent shade of lavender.

"Shut the fuck up, Sasuke!" Naruto screamed, a moment before Sasuke passed out.

Gaara smacked his forehead with a sigh. "Somebody give him CPR…"

Sakura jumped over the wall dividing the men and women's bath, causing it to fall. All the women ran out screaming, but no one in the men's section even looked up. "Ooh! Pick me!" She cried out excitedly.

Gaara thought. "How about you, Kakashi? You're trained in that, right?"

"Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard." He said.

"That's what yo momma said." Said Bobobo

"Fuck you."

"Hey guys," said Naruto. "Do we really want him breathing again?"

"Well," mused Gaara. "This fanfiction will be much less emo if no one dies."

"I guess that's true." Naruto said. "But if he starts that oral thing again…"

Sakura flailed her arms about. "Aren't you going to help him?!"

Gaara's eyes slowly moved to Sakura. "You're getting annoying."

Kakashi finally knelt nest to Sasuke. "Alright everybody, look the other way. I'm going to have to take my mask off for this."

Everyone turned away.

A few minutes later, Sasuke began coughing.

"There we go." Kakashi said.

Sasuke wiped the pools of saliva off his face. "You know, you really didn't need to use tongue."

"Yeah, I know. I just like to." He said.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura wailed. "You're such a child molester! He's only twelve! And you're twenty-seven! That's an age difference of almost twelve years!"

"Fifteen years, actually." Kakshi said. "Remember that, you'll be tested on it later."

"I'm totally going to fail this test." Said Naruto.

"What?!" Sakura said. "That's even worse! This was never in the original intentions of Masaki Kishimoto! Or in the script! Am I the only one here who reads the script? _I'm_ supposed to give Sasuke CPR, blossoming our wonderful romance! This is the most shitty fanfiction to ever disgrace the internet with its sheer lack of plot! I swear, no one is acting in character, there is no storyline, there are _characters from OTHER ANIMES!_ Who the hell has the free time to even write this shit! I swear to Masaki Kishimoto, somebody has to get sued here! And was I the only one that noticed that in the last chapter Akamaru was talking? He can't talk. He's a dog! And you are all supposed to be straight, and not having mass gay orgies! And don't even get me _started_ on the…"

-Three hours later-

"-and it tasted like pineapple! And that guy never _did_ call back! My life sucks! Do you know how hard it is to be a female ninja in a male –apperantly flaming gay – world?" Sakura continued to rant, while the others slowly looked at each other, all still naked.

Gaara, who was standing closest, grabbed Sakura by the hair, and shoved her head under the water.

"Does anyone have a problem with this?" He asked.

Everyone shrugged and muttered.

Eventually, the bubbles stopped.

Sesshomaru entered the bath. "Sorry, did I miss anything?"

"Not really." Naruto said.

"Well, I got molested again. Kakashi this time." Sasuke said.

"Nothing new then, huh?"

"No, I guess not."

Sakura's dead corpse floated by.

"What happened there?" Sesshomaru asked with moderate interest.

"Eh." Shugged Gaara. "She talked too much. Totally asking for it."

"I see. I hate it when they put chicks in yaois."

Every live person present nodded and mumbled in agreement.

"Its everyone here now?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi walked in the room, pulling his clothes off. "Sorry I'm late, guys. Traffic sucks out there."

"No kidding." Kakashi said.

"Tell me about it." Sesshomaru said.

Naruto shook his head. "Wait. So do we have two Kakashis now?"

"Hm…" said one Kakashi. "I guess so."

There was a long silence. Sakura's dead body floated by again.

"You know, I always wanted to do myself." Said the other Kakashi.

"It's like you read my mind."

-Three hours later-

The group sat around the hot spring with boners watching the two Kakashis take turns doing each other.

"Damn, that was hot." Said Luffy as they finished up.

"What are you talking about?" asked Kakashi.

"We're just getting warmed up." Said Kakashi.

-Three _more_ hours later-

"My ass hurts." Said Kakashi.

"Mine too." Said Kakashi.

"At least you guys took turns! I was always the woman!" said Naruto in distress. "I haven't taken a shit in days! And I'm out Band-Aids! Do you know how hard is it to correctly apply a Band-Aid to your ass? I can't see the damn thing to save my life!"

"Shut up and lean over." Said Sasuke.

"No, make Gaara do it!"

"Fine. Gaara, come over here."

After several minutes of arguing, Sasuke said, "Gaara, you need to cut it out with the sand shield, or this isn't going to work!"

"Well, maybe I don't want to be the woman. Fuck you."

"That's the idea!"

Sakura's corpse floated past again.

"You know that thing is starting to smell." Said Gaara.

"Whose fault do you think that is?"

Gaara ignored him. "It won't be good for much longer."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing." He said quickly. "I have an idea. Lets try it Horny Grandma with Too Much to Drink and a Rubber Band style again. Maybe it'll work this time."

Naruto sighed, and started pulling off Band-Aids. "Alright, I'm coming…"

**End Chapter 2**


	3. Chapter 3

Our clan heterosexually challenged nymphomaniacs seem to have inexplicably found themselves transported to another world different, and yet similar to their own: A schoolgirl hentai. They were surrounded by girls with six-inch skirts, four-inch heels, and spectacularly large breasts whose nipples poked out through four layers of fabric.

"Why am I the only one wearing a skirt?" asked Naruto.

"You're the only one that looks good in it." Said Gaara.

"I don't know, but it's turning me on. Bend over." Said Kakashi #1.

"No, me first!" said Kakashi #2 while getting out a whip.

"No, me!" said Kakashi #3 pulling out a pair of handcuffs.

"Wait, now there's a third Kakashi?"

"What we need right now is more Narutos!"

"Dude, we just did it right before we were mysteriously transported here!" said Naruto in desperation.

Kakashi #2 walked up to Naruto and lifted up his skirt. "Ooh, a thong!"

"What color?" Kakashi #3 asked.

"Pink!"

"Now take it off!" Kakashi #1 commanded.

There was a clash of breaking objects heard around the school as the entirety of the group jumped on Naruto to wrestle off his panties.

"Ooh I got 'em!" exclaimed a rather jubilant Sesshomaru.

Just then, they heard a noise at the door. The knob quivered. Sesshomaru quickly shoved the underpants into his pocket for later use.

At that particular moment, Professor Snape entered the classroom. He narrowed his eyes at Naruto. "Cross-dressing again, Mister Uzumaki?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm sorry, sir." Snape corrected. "Now lift your skirt, remove your underwear, bend over a desk, and prepare for spanking."

Naruto sighed again and did as commanded.

Snape couldn't help but notice the lack of undergarment. "One step ahead of me, I see."

"Dude, what the hell?" cried a frustrated Harry Potter. "This isn't even your genre!"

"It is my genre if I so please." Snape said icily, continuing to spank Naruto, whose buttocks grew more crimson with every spank. "Do you wish for a spanking yourself, Mister Potter?"

"I'll do it." Said Sasuke. "I've been a fan since book one. I've even written a fanfiction about it. I'd be honored to spank you!" He looked at Snape.

"Very well Mister Uchiha. Commence spanking."

The entire classroom of overly endowed schoolgirls began to jump frantically.

"I wanna get spanked!" said one

"Me too!" screamed another.

A third girl was jumping when one of her own breasts collided with her face with such force that it knocked her out.

Another girl looked down at her sympathetically. "I hate it when that happens."

"Oh!" said one girl excitedly. "We have just enough boys and just enough girls. Well, so long as you don't count the quiet girl…" she pointed to the corner of the room, where Sakura's rotting corpse resided.

"How's she get here?" Gaara asked. "I swear she's following us!"

"Dammit!" yelled Harry. "Back in the Harry Potter fanfiction, Snape got all the lovin', so I crossed over."

"Haven't we all…" said Darth Vader, spanking a schoolgirl.

"But I arrive here in Naruto fanfiction, and Snape's taking over again!"

"Not my fault I'm a sex icon." Snape said sensually, still spanking Naruto.

Sasuke smiled slowly.

"What now?" Gaara asked.

"Oral." He said.

A particularly ill-proportioned schoolgirl eagerly leapt from her desk. "Okay!"

"oraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloraloral" Sasuke said.

"That many times?" the schoolgirl asked. "Wow, I've never done it for that long. Would you unbutton your pants? No, wait!" she paused. "I bet I can do it with my tongue…"

Suddenly, Gaara burst out in rage. "I'm sick of all these vaginas!" he said. "Sand coffin!"

Blood, bleached hair, and tits spewed across the room.

Snape continued to spank Naruto, having apparently not noticed. Kakashi picked up a stray boob from the floor. "…squishy." He said, happily.

Jack Sparrow wandered into the room. "What's all this?" he examined the entrails and breast tissue strewn across the classroom floor. "I must've missed something."

Snape didn't look up from his spanking. "Not really."

"What's he doing here?" Harry asked, pointing at Jack.

"He's my lover." Snape responded. "But then again, who isn't these days?"

"Came out here for me spankin', mate. See you're busy though. Come back later, eh?" Jack swaggered out.

At that moment, Professor Dumbledore unwittingly waltzed into the room. "Ah! Hard at work, I see, Professor Snape!"

"You might say that."

"Congradulations on coming out of the closet Professor Dumbledore!" said Sesshomaru. "It took me almost three-hundred years!"

"Thank you, darling. That ol' bitch had to let me out sometime."

"That's what yo' momma said." Bobobo interjected.

"You can't talk that way about J.K. Rowling! She's God!"

"Harry, dear, I'm gay. According to the church, I'm going to hell anyway."

"Anyone who's read this far is going to hell." Said Kakashi #3.

"That's too bad." Gaara said. "'Cause it's mostly horny teenage girls…"

A sad silence crossed the room. Sakura slid sideways out of her chair and landed on the floor with a thud.

"But we'll still have each other."

Naruto started to cry. "Can it be someone else's turn to get into fucking trouble?"

"Have you ever noticed, Kakashi," observed Kakashi, "that every time you put the word 'fuck' into a sentence, it immediately becomes more emphatic?"

Dumbledore thought. "By fuck, you're right!"


	4. Chapter 314

NARUCHU dashed eagerly through the forest

NARUCHU dashed eagerly through the forest. He had no memory as to when he lost his clothing, nor of when he acquired bizarre yellow ears and a weirdass tail. However, he continued to scamper through the forest as though nothing was wrong at all.

Meanwhile, SASUKE and the gang were on their quest to catch their very first POKEMON. Five steps into the tall grass, battle music began to play.

A wild RATTATA appeared!

SASUKE said, "I fuckin' hate RATTATA." He chose to run.

SASUKE got away safely!

SASUKE took a few more steps into the grass when…

A wild NARUCHU appeared!

"OMG!" Said KAKASHI #3.

"We should totally catch him!" said KAKASHI #2.

"Wait." Said KAKASHI #1, "Shouldn't there be another KAKASHI by now?"

"Yo." Said KAKASHI #π, a 1/π scale KAKASHI.

"That's odd." Said KAKASHI #2 lifting the miniature man.

"That's what you get when you have 'Chapter π!'" said Kakashi #1.

Sasuke sighed. "Can we please focus on catching this NARUCHU?"

"Yes!" said Gaara. "Use a POKEBALL!"

SASUKE used a POKEBALL.

Doink. It bounced once, and the NARUCHU escaped.

"Aww. The POKEMON appeared to be caught!" Said SASUKE.

"Its no good!" Said Dumbledore. "You must weaken the POKEMON first!"

There was a scrambling about as a hoard of horny gay men fought their way to "weaken" the NARUCHU.

--3 hours later…--

After a great deal of "weakening" NARUCHU health was in the red, and he was paralyzed.

"Now!" instructed DUMBLEDORE, "Throw another POKEBALL at it!"

"No!" said Gaara. "Use a GREAT BALL"

"I can't!" Said SASUKE. "I only have two of them in my sack!"

"Here!" said Yugi, "I have an ULTRA BALL!"

"On a LV 5 NARUCHU!? This is ROUTE 2!" Sasuke said. "And those cost 1200 POKE-YEN!"

"Fine, use a POKEBALL!"

Doink. Doink. Doink.

The NARUCHU broke free!

"Darn! The POKEMON broke free!" Sasuke said.

Sasuke used the remainder of his POKEBALLs and his GREAT BALLs. "Dammit!" he yelled. "Now I'm out of POKEBALLs, _AND _I'm infertile!"

"What does it matter?"

"The force is strong with this one.." Dumbledore observed. "Luckily for you, I have…the ELDER BALL!"

"I don't get it." Gaara said.

"Didn't you read the seventh book?"

SASUKE threw the ELDER BALL.

Doink. Doink. Doink.

NARUCHU was caught!

"Give a nickname to NARUCHU?" Dumbledore asked.

"Ooh!" said Kakashi #1. "Give it a funny nickname like ASSHOLE, so every time you use it, it says something like, 'ASSHOLE used Thunder!"

Kakashi #2 roared with laughter and said, "Ooh! Call it 'YOUR MOM'!"

"Or maybe 'UGLYASS BUTTFUCKER!'" Kakashi #π interjected.

"That's too long! It won't fit!" said Kakashi #3

"That's what yo' momma said." Said Bobobo.

**This chapter has been rounded off to the nearest hundreth**


End file.
